That's Just Wrong!

NUTS!
Health.com

Tonight I asked my daughter Bette to pass me a snack I ordered from the school fundraiser.  The conversation was...a funny one, to say the least.

Tiny Kitten and Nuts
Animalol.com

Me: Bette, can you please hand me my nuts?
Bette: That's just wrong.
Me and Daddy: {{Blank stares and suppressed giggles}}
Me: What's wrong?
Bette: {{Even blanker stare}}: Huh?  I didn't say anything was wrong.  *Siiiiiiiiigh*  Ok, the kids at school just say it.  I don't know why.
Me to Daddy:  Should I explain to her so she's not the only one at school who doesn't get it?
Daddy:  Ooooh, I think she gets it.
Me:  Bette, do you know...  Nevermind LOOK AT THAT SMILE!  Bette!  You were going to let me explain it!

She totally knew what 'nuts' meant and was embarrassed that I caught her saying it was wrong to use the word.  So of course Daddy and I had great fun at her expense all night.

Bette, can you put my nuts on the table?

Wow, Bette, these nuts are soooo good.

Bette, have you seen my nuts?

Funny Animal Site

Ah, my girl is growing up and learning different meanings for normal words while on the playground.  I knew it would happen - I just didn't think it would be so soon.  Or so fun!!

New House Rule



Halloween Candy Wonderland - Fanpop.com

Daddy brought goody bags home from his boss today.  No, perve, not that kind of goody bags.  They were small bags that had candy and gum inside for each of the children - they were extras from a weekend Halloween party.  Let's see, there were fun-sized candy bars, tons of laffy taffy, mini M&M's, sourpatch kids, and fireballs.  Maybe some other stuff but I was trying NOT to pay attention since I can't eat it.  Bitter?  Nah, not me.  So anyways, Deena and Fern were the only two home this evening and they were both digging into their goody bags while I read.  Next thing I knew Deena was flying through the living room, through the dining room, and into the kitchen gasping for air.  With lightning speed she grabbed a cup and shoved it under the water tap.  At first I thought she was choking but she didn't look that panicked.  I watched Deena throw back a glass of water like it was kool-aid and watched her wipe her mouth on her sleeve.  She looked at me and said "New house rule - DONT eat what you DONT know!"  Turns out Deena didn't like the fireball.  And I, for one, agree with the new house rule: If you dont know what something is, please don't eat it.  And sometimes, even if you DO know what something is, you still shouldn't eat it.  See example below of supposed canned tuna from Russia (?).


A can of tuna from Russia
milkwasabadchoice.blogspot.com

  



Birds of a Feather

Remember when I said Fern is just as brilliant as my other two children?  Please keep that statement in mind while I tell this story. 

The house phone rang the other night and since I do not have caller ID I decided not to answer it.  I hate dealing with telemarketers or people asking for money for cancer research.  Trust me, I donate to them but it’s NEVER ENOUGH.  So I sat there and listened to the phone ring instead.  The kids got all riled up “What if it’s someone we know?  What if it’s an emergency?”  I told them if it was someone we know they will call my cell phone if I don’t answer the home phone.  However, all that time the phone kept ringing.  I started counting (because I am OCD and I count everything).  That phone rang 23 times before I finally picked it up and barked “HELLO?!”  I heard a sweet little voice say “Can I talk to Fern please?”  In utter embarrassment I said “Oh, sure honey.  Can I tell her who this is?”  There was a brief pause before the sweet little voice answered “Fern.”  We both sat in silence as I thought “Wow, another Fern?”  Then I heard a gasp and the sweet little voice said “Hehehe - No, wait I’m Ashley!”  I felt bad laughing at the poor kid, I really truly did.  It’s not that I was making fun of poor Ashley. But see, Fern can be a little scatter-brained so I found it hilarious that Ashley and Fern are like two birds of a feather – meaning they really DO flock together. 

OMG, Another Mom Made Contact!

Sadly my little world can often be lonely.  My husband leaves for work before I’m awake.  Then my kids pile out of the house one by one for school.  All I’m left with is a noisy outdoor cat that cries to be let in and a spoiled indoor dog that cries to be let out.  So I’ve slowly been adding things to do into my schedule.  I’ve added one day a week volunteering at the school and I’ve added every other Thursday volunteering in Deena’s classroom.  I chose every other Thursday because I was hoping to have the opposing Thursdays to volunteer in Fern’s classroom.  ((Note to self: call that teacher and let her know I completed the volunteer orientation.))  I’ve also volunteered to help at all the holiday parties - and the classroom that contacts me first gets my services. 

Halloween is right around the corner and Deena’s classroom Party Coordinator called me to see if I’d help out as Party Mom.  YAH!  And thank goodness, because Fern’s Party Coordinator only called me for punch and plates…blah.  So for Deena’s party all I have to do is plan the games and bring any necessary equipment for the game.  Talk about easy!  I ran the game ideas by the PC and she agreed that I – I mean they – are perfect. 

I ended up talking to the Party Coordinator for almost half an hour about many things besides the Halloween party.  It turns out we are both sitting at home all day with kids and crave adult interaction.  I mean – how else do you explain the fact that we blabbed away like old friends?!  I learned she is the Mom of Deena’s little crush (he’s adorable by the way and very well behaved!), she’s on her second marriage, she has 3 boys and 1 baby girl (4 months old now and she was a BIG surprise) and never uses a babysitter.  And, oh, the things she learned about me.  She knows I have a dog (he barked while we were on the phone), she knows I have three girls and their ages, she knows I went on the school field trip to the pumpkin patch, and she knows I want to help at ALL the parties this year because I’m an overbearing, hovering parent.

I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship!  (Plus I remember overhearing somewhere that she does hair too.)        

Comics for Breakfast

Shamelessmag.com created this comic, not Bette. 

Bette has learned I’m blogging about her and the sisters.  For a kid with no sense of humor she really took to the idea of me writing down funny things she, Fern, and Deena do or say.  (True, the stories probably are only funny to me, but it’s my blog so get over it.)  Anyways, Bette was driving me bonkers the day she heard of this blog.  She was trying her hardest to do something, anything funny so I would write about her – she’s SO competitive!  One of her “funny” ideas took off and she now has a binder full of comic strips she created in her need, desire, and obsession for acknowledgement here.  Well, she’s going to be acknowledged, just not how she wanted to be.  I’ll be completely honest - the comics are horrible!  Yes, the illustrations are great but every comic is about 2 wolves that live together.  The female wolf orders the male wolf to do some domestic duty or another in each comic.  The male then uses the same line to get out of doing the chore.  Then the female threatens, harms, or mutilates the male wolf in order to get him to complete the aforementioned work.  The comics taught me the following:

Bette really isn’t very funny when she’s trying too hard

Bette has a dark, violent side I wasn’t aware of

Bette could definitely illustrate comics, but she better hire a writer if this is to be her future

The comics were so bad my husband was begging me via text message to save him.  Well, that’s not being completely fair.  Two of them were pretty good and made me giggle…the other 30 were not so good.    

The Scene:

Dad sitting on the couch. Bette on the floor holding her binder full of wolf comics and reading. Mom at the table doing homework with Fern.  Deena, uh…I don’t know.  Remember?  Nobody has time for the baby of the family so she probably wandered off alone. 

Text from Dad:  Plz make it stop how many of these r there

Text to Dad:  I guess u shoulda gone 2 store like I asked earlier - then u wouldn’t b here 2 listen!

Text from Dad:  What did I do 2 deserve this

Text to Dad:  U didn’t listen 2 me!!!!!!!  hahaha  NOW u listen to comics

Text from Dad:  U hate me

All the while Bette just kept reading her comics.  It was a good night and a hard lesson learned for the dear husband!

Ode to Baby Penguin

Deena was obsessing over finding all her Baby Penguins today.  She must have had a rough night sleeping and they all ended up under the bed or between the wall and the bed.  This is how I found her when she was calling for me before school.   Yes, she even has on penguin pants.  That little guy next to Deena is THE first Baby Penguin ever.  He was my step-brother's when he was a little boy - and he's now in his 40's!



Below is a better photograph of Baby Penguin Number 1.  His beak is frayed, he smells like a basement and his arm is wrapped in medical tape to close a hole we weren't allowed to sew.  (How barbaric!  SEW a poor baby?!)  But he has all the love of one of the sweetest little girls in the world!!  I wonder how hard it would be to send him through the washing machine...

Busty Russian Girls Anyone?

Its not that funny!

The other day I was helping Fern look up information for an animal report.  I went to Google, typed in the animal’s name, cougar, and scanned the search results for a reputable page.  I scanned until I came across a Scholastic page and clicked on the link.  Scholastic is the main company that local schools use to provide books and other learning materials so I figured it was safe and wouldn’t pop up information about being a cougar (you know, the older woman who preys on younger men).  I didn’t pay any attention to the ads running down the sides of the web page until I heard Fern giggle and saw her point at the monitor.  Lo and behold there were several images and ads for “Busty Russian Girls” who were sprawled in all sorts of questionable poses in just lacy bras and undies.  I couldn’t get the page closed fast enough.  Oh, and the questions from that little mouth!  I had a good mind to send Scholastic a note about the ads but decided against it when I realized I’d have to go back to the page.  No thanks!  I'm sure those Russian girls are nice and all, but one serving of them was enough for me.  

      

Alpha Females

Apparently my oldest daughter thinks she’s in charge when I am not home.  Last night at the dinner table I was telling my husband the kids do not need brownies, cream sticks, and glazed donuts all in one day. This was the end of the conversation:

Dad: Bette told me to. She IS in charge you know.

Me: She is?

Dad: That’s what she said. (Mimicking Bette’s voice) ‘When Mommy isn’t home I’m in charge as the little mommy.’

Me: Bette? Did you really say that?

Bette and Dad at the same time: But I – That’s not what – told me – I didn’t – he was –

Me: Wait, wait, wait – I can’t understand either of you. Bette?

Bette: All I said was that the alpha female is in charge of the alpha male - and when the alpha female leaves the next older female gets to be in charge. You (pointing at me) left so that made me in charge as the next alpha female.

Me: Hahahahaha!! So we’re wolves now?

{{Crickets chirping}}

Dad: I told you she said she was in charge when you leave.  

This wolf pack is not my family.  But if it was, I'd be the 2nd

wolf from the left that looks like it's laughing at the others.

Victoria's Secret?

I grab the mail every day when I pick my children up from the bus stop.  I usually shove the mail into one of the backpacks and make a kid drag it up to the house for me.  (We get lots of mail and our driveway is very, very long.)  When the kids and I get to the house I go through book bags looking for homework and memo's from the teachers and I put the mail on the counter. 

One day last year I forgot to take the mail out of Deena's bag before she went to school.  When Deena got home she scolded me for leaving mail in her book bag.  She then told me she and Ethan only looked at the girl magazine once before the teacher asked what was going on.  I was instantly on alert as I dug through Deena's bag to see just what I had sent to school with her.  It turns out it was a Victoria's Secret catalog with a tall, thin woman standing on the cover in her bra and undies.  Oops, but it could've been worse!

So today in the mail I got another Victoria's Secret magazine.  I tried to bury it between other pieces of mail so the girls wouldn't see it - they don't need to know about sexy undies just yet.  But I'm guessing Deena saw enough to know what it was because she said: "Mommy, please don't EVER put hot lady magazines in my book bag again!"  That sounds waaaaay worse than it really is... 

Spelling Class

At school Deena is learning to sound out words for spelling and reading. She came up to me while I was washing dishes the other day and said “Mommy, circus starts with a ‘c’.” Then she gave me a perplexed look. I replied with “Yes dear. The letters c and s are friends and they can share the ssss sound sometimes.” Fern, who works very hard on her spelling, looked at me with one eyebrow raised and her nose wrinkled. To which I said to Fern “Wow, that’s confusing. No wonder it’s so hard to spell sometimes huh?” Fern, true to her fashion, waved her hand in the air and said “No kidding!” and walked away in a huff. Someone seems a little perturbed with the English language.

(This is not to say Fern can’t spell. She’s right on target for her age – which is a young 7 – what do you want from the kid?!)

Welcome to the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee!

Ma'am, Yes Ma'am!

I feel like a drill Sergeant.

I got a little cranky today while explaining to my children that I am not their maid or slave and they can put away their OWN laundry. It's amazing how I can actually get some results when I raise my voice. "Hey! Don't you leave this room when you hear me telling your sisters how they can help. You get right back here and help too!" Or "Who left this on the floor when you hear me sweeping?! Do you WANT me to suck it up?" These kids were stepping and fetching on a Friday night. Theeeen, to make me feel like a jerk Fern pipes us with (in a soft sweet voice so unlike Fern) "I left those there and I'm sorry Ma'am." Bwahaha! Really?! Now we're preparing to eat some ice cream and play Uno. Life is good.

Perils of NOT Having a Credit Card

Last night was band instrument rental night for Bette.  Talk about a strange journey!  There were hundreds of parents shoved into the bleachers looking miserable with just as many squiggling, chatting, and laughing kids shoved in between us.  The gym was so hot the fat guy next to me had armpit sweat stains by time we all stood up to leave.  Bette wasn't bothered one bit by the claustrophobic conditions as we were all herded to the basement to visit the tables of the instrument stores that came to fight for sales/rental agreements.  Oh wait - that's because the instant we walked into the basement she tore off with 3 friends for the cookie table.  Do you think she brought me a cookie?  Nope. 

On the ride home I was a little upset over the financial aspects of renting an instrument and how I had to sign away my life just to get the store to rent to me.  Not to mention I was hot and crowded for the past 90 minutes.  From the backseat, where Bette had gotten real quiet, comes "My tummy hurts."  I automatically thought it was because she could sense my disposition.  I swallowed the guilt of making her stomach hurt by projecting my worries onto her asked her what was making her sick to her stomach.  She groaned and replied "I ate three small cookies.  Then I stuck 3 more into a napkin to bring home to Fern.  But they were so squishy and smelled so good - and I ate them.  Too many cookies."

I learned three things from that conversation:

1. My daughter doesn't pay nearly as much attention to me as I give her credit for
2. My daughter was sweet enough to get Fern some cookies - the same Fern she will insist she can't stand
3. My daughter has my will power when it comes to cookies               

 

On My Butt in the Mud

School has just started. New teachers, principals, and bus drivers must become acquainted with my children and their personalities. The majority of my free time is spent standing at the end of my driveway waiting for the school bus. I make the bus trip 5 times a day – showing up at least 5 minutes early for each bus.

The other day I was bent down petting our kitten that had followed us to the bus stop. Next thing I know I’m on my butt down in the mud (it had rained the last 4 days). Some force of nature had rammed into me while I was bent over and sent me sprawling. I look up just in time to see Fern cover her mouth with her hand. In her haste to get to the kitten she didn’t realize she was going to batter-ram me with her head. This, folks, is why I call my tiny beauty a moose.

Intro

Why, oh why didn’t someone warn me that I would be outnumbered when I had three children? Was this someone’s funny way to get back at me for being a pain when I was growing up? Or was this because my mother-in-law wished kids just like himself on my husband when he was growing up? Either way, I wouldn’t change a thing. Some days can be downright difficult but most are just flat out hilarious!

The idea behind this blog is to chronicle the who’s, what’s, when’s, where’s, and why’s of raising three daughters. My kids are always leaving me in stitches and I thought it was only right to share some of their stories with the world. Maybe I can help save another mom’s sanity when she sighs and realizes it’s not just her and it’s not just her kids. We all have our moments. And before any self-righteous people out there scorn me for laughing at my kids – they don’t always know I’m laughing at them. But for the most part my kids laugh first and that’s what gets me going.

Let me start with a short introduction of myself. I am a 30-something mostly stay at home mom. I say mostly because I work two 12-hour shifts on the weekends for some peace and quiet – I mean extra cash! I do have a degree but I don’t use it yet. I live in a small town in the Midwest 15 minutes from where I was raised. As a child I was a very serious and didn’t find a real sense of humor until I had kids. It was either learn to laugh at some of the situations or spend the rest of my life crying and hanging my head in shame. (Even though I read both What to Expect When You’re Expecting and What to Expect the Toddler Years from cover to cover this parenting thing is a lot of trial and error!)
And now a little background about the children. Together they can be overwhelming, quite the force to be reckoned with. Together they are a ball of united energy that spins, whirls, pokes, and consumes entire rooms, playgrounds, and stores. For the most part they are very well behaved children but they can be silly and a bit noisy at times. They are a happy bunch and I try not to stifle their happiness so I allow for a little chaos. Separately, they don’t seem to be nearly as threatening – you could even say they appear docile. And even though they can bicker with the best of them – they always watch out for one another.




My oldest daughter, Bette, is 10 and comes from a previous marriage. She is very bright, very mature, a little quirky, and has an odd sense of humor. She has a keen sense of justice and wants the world to be right and fair. She loves to play sports and has no problem getting up to bat alone in front of all the parents. But don’t even think about asking her get on a stage or sing in front of anyone. Currently she plans to spend her future living in the arctic with wolves so she can research them and their habitat. There was never a dream to be a fairy princess living in a castle for Bette. Nope, she wanted to be the one to build the castle and take care of the kingdom’s animals.


My middle daughter, Fern, is 7 and is the perfect mixture of her father and me. She is also very bright but tries to use her intelligence to get others to do her work for her. She is loud, spontaneous, and can be a little anxious. She would rather have fun and get in trouble than sit around bored. She once told me “Mommy, I’m sorry I can be so bad sometimes, but it’s just so much fun!” There went that nice family dinner as Dad laughed at her and I shot him a nasty look. Fern is always doing something that throws me for a loop. She’s rough, tough, loves to wear dresses and likes to play in the dirt. There is no middle ground for Fern, she runs to extremes. She is either extremely happy or she is sullen and cranky with the best of them. With that though, she is also the most loving person I have ever met.



My youngest daughter, Deena, is 6 and fits the role of ‘the baby’ perfectly. If I say “My baby” in a sweet voice she coos like a baby and replies “My Ma-ma”. My husband hates it but I’m holding on to whatever I can at this moment. They are all growing so fast! Deena is very bright like her sisters and she loves to perform – singing, dancing, and acting. She is outgoing, funny, and kind. She calls herself Bette’s mini-me and aspires to be just like her biggest sister. Deena has quite the little sense of humor and is always trying to make people laugh. She’s always running around giggling with a smile on her face. The world is Deena’s playground and she already seems to know just how to make the most of that.